“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.” I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my critical eye, especially when it’s pointed directly back at me. I know I can be judgmental, opinionated, and unforgiving at times. So can everyone, but it gets harder when that negative talk turns inward. Then the thoughts start to feel more true, even when they are not. That kind of thinking can sneak in quietly and change the whole mood of a day.

I decided this was a good topic to explore for my latest contribution to Owning Pink, the website of health guru Lissa Rankin. I’m a seeker. I like to learn new things, challenge myself, and grow spiritually. But when something good happens, I also look for potential problems. Instead of nurturing the blessings in my life, I start imagining how it could all go wrong. In other words, I self-sabotage. The irony is that growth and fear often show up together.

Not many people know this about me, because I like to outwardly focus on the positive. I encourage friends to follow their bliss, take up a new exercise routine or hobby, or go for that incredible new job. I reassure them that they are talented and smart, and that they are destined for success. It is just a matter of attitude and hard work. I say all of that with certainty, even when my own mind is less generous. It feels easier to cheer for other people than to calm my own doubts.

But then in my own life, I look at everything with a more critical eye. That gap between what I say to others and what I say to myself is where the sabotage lives. It is a quiet habit, but it can shape the way I see every success before it has a chance to settle. The good news is that noticing it is the first step toward changing it. Once you see the pattern, you can begin to interrupt it. And that makes room for something gentler to take its place.